Out of my freakin' MIND.
For a change.
So let's see...i feel pathetic right now. Mostly because my entire family is off doing stuff in the other room and i'm not joining in cuz i don't feel like watching a kid's movie...but then they make me feel like shit about it. Because i'm not joining in and being a nice person and all that overrated crap.
And also, i don't think that i know what's going on in my life at all right now. Like, not even a little bit. I used to feel like there was at least some element of control in my life, but I'm realizing that i don't know what i want, or what's going happen at all. It's like someone took my hands off the steering wheel, and it freaking sucks. I thought i might be developing a crush on one of my friends, but then I have this dream that makes me totally spin off and change my mind about three times until i'm so confused that I have no idea what's going on at all. Some of my friends know what college they're going to. Some of them at least have the misconception that what they're doing is totally on the tracks and right. They have the plesantly deceptive feeling that everything that they're doing is absolutley benificial to the future, and you don't need anything pesky like a sense of humor to get throught it.
And who knows, right? Maybe I'm just totally and completley wrong, and they're right. They're on track by forcing themselves to change. Or maybe they really did change. It just makes me sad, because so much of the time I see something under the surface that's straining to come through. Or at least i think i do. And i really want to reach that, but i dont' have the guts to actually talk to the person.
I dunno. I think maybe some of my actual feelings are coming back. So that's not too fun. And it's not like a huge explosion, just a little. I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, so who knows what's going on, right? Augh, and that was my point in the first place. I just wish that I had a place in at least one part of my life. I just seem to drift along the edges most of the time. In my family, in my group of friends. I don't think i really matter too much. And usually it's okay, not mattering. I can convince myself that it's better that way, most of the time.
But I dunno. I can't seem to do that tonight.
About Me
- Ali
- I'm the kind of person who sees one of those ads at the top of an internet page that say "Wrestle the Sumo Man and Get Some Chilli Free of Charge!" or "Slap Donald Trump! Win a Ringtone!" or "Outswim the Pirranas to get this laptop!" and clicks on them just for the sake of doing it.
5 comments:
"LOVE!!!"
Okay, first off, I read your stuff and so does wobbles. Second, it sounds like you simply have no idea what you are going to do as your career in the future. It sounds like you have made absolutely no plans! And that's okay, you idiot! You are a freshman! Enjoy life right now. Nobody ever knows what direction their life is going in. That's the beauty of it. Heck! Foreboding is the only missery that did not escape Pandora's box. What do you want to do when you grow up? Key word WANT. Just think of something that you would gladly do for nothing and people would pay you for. I would gladly draw for nothing. I know what I want to do when I grow up because I know what I like to do. Above all else, I like to draw monsters. I would love to design characters in video games when I grow up for companies like Blizzard Entertainment. Blizzard is a famous video game designing company and they created what I think might be considered to be the greatest game in the world: World Of Warcraft and the entire Warcraft series. The Vice President of Blizzard is a man named Chris Metzen. He used to be in charge of the art department and I am a huge fan of his hundreds of drawings of monsters. I guess you'd say he is my hero because he has done exactly what I want to do when I grow up. Now my dreams mean nothing to you, but I am assuming you are not sure what you want to do when you grow up. Like I said, just think of something you would gladly do for nothing and people would pay you to do it. And you don't need to worry about you college or your major yet. You are still just a freshman. And you are not stuck with anything. Odds are I will never be a video game character designer, but that's okay. I'm only a kid. As for the crush thing, if you have no crushes, that's a blessing! I just sort of ended my last crush yesterday, so now I feel really footloose. It's funny. I have never ended a crush without feeling happy about it! You also sound a little bit depressed. I get really depressed about once a month. Then I just fall asleep, wake up, and life is good again. I'll bet you're fine now, but if you aren't there is no reason to be depressed. You still have many friends and I am still your friend in my opinion even if you consider me to be nothing more than a chauvanistic bastard.
Speaking of which, I am going to make an atempt to completely end my chauvanistic ways. What you must realize is that I act chauvanistic for fun. I am not really that way. As you pointed out, I only do it for a reaction. I have always taken pleasure in annoying people but that pleasure has sort of left me now. I was on vacation with my boy scout troop and I met some lady friends. One of the guys in the troop was being really chauvanistic and he made one of them cry. It opened my eyes up. I wanted to beat the heck out of him and she asked me to, but I would have looked like such a tool in front of my entire troop. Also, being a martial artist, I have not only learned the ways of fighting, but also the theories and philosophies as well. I only believe in defensive fighting. I also felt like beating this kid up because he called my little brother a guinee (a derogotory word used against Italians) but I forgave him and I feel good about it.
I learned a lot about women this spring break too. If you have ever watched the movie, "The Forty-Year-Old Virgin" there is one part where one of the guys is giving the other guy advise on talking to women. And he tells him just to ask questions because he says that women are only interested in talking about themselves. I have always known this to be true, but I had no idea of to what degree it was true! Women are ONLY interested in themselves, and don't argue with me. The only way you can possibly get them to listen to you is if you ask them questions or relate to them in a really funny and easy to understand way. Ack!
But I learned a lot. Haha! See you Monday. Happy Easter. If you are not a Christian or if you are like me, then have a pleasant sunday!
PS-Your friends are all really smart nerds. I mean you and I are smart but we have nothing on them. Don't worry, I've seen it work plently of other ways. You don't need to change. You are fine the way you are.
Just saw the movie thingy. I love Eminem. Though I don't think that is one of his better songs. But you know that horny sound I make sometimes comes directly from just lose it.
Once again you neglect the dangers of the internet and post your elementary and middle school sibblings on you tube. You know you really need to have your head examined. You are doing something really dangerous!
psh. oh, poe, you worry too much. they don't know where i live or anything. just that i have younger siblings.
I beg to differ. Every website you visit knows exactly where you live. It is easy for normal people to find out too.
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