Out of my freakin' MIND.
For a change.
So let's see...i feel pathetic right now. Mostly because my entire family is off doing stuff in the other room and i'm not joining in cuz i don't feel like watching a kid's movie...but then they make me feel like shit about it. Because i'm not joining in and being a nice person and all that overrated crap.
And also, i don't think that i know what's going on in my life at all right now. Like, not even a little bit. I used to feel like there was at least some element of control in my life, but I'm realizing that i don't know what i want, or what's going happen at all. It's like someone took my hands off the steering wheel, and it freaking sucks. I thought i might be developing a crush on one of my friends, but then I have this dream that makes me totally spin off and change my mind about three times until i'm so confused that I have no idea what's going on at all. Some of my friends know what college they're going to. Some of them at least have the misconception that what they're doing is totally on the tracks and right. They have the plesantly deceptive feeling that everything that they're doing is absolutley benificial to the future, and you don't need anything pesky like a sense of humor to get throught it.
And who knows, right? Maybe I'm just totally and completley wrong, and they're right. They're on track by forcing themselves to change. Or maybe they really did change. It just makes me sad, because so much of the time I see something under the surface that's straining to come through. Or at least i think i do. And i really want to reach that, but i dont' have the guts to actually talk to the person.
I dunno. I think maybe some of my actual feelings are coming back. So that's not too fun. And it's not like a huge explosion, just a little. I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, so who knows what's going on, right? Augh, and that was my point in the first place. I just wish that I had a place in at least one part of my life. I just seem to drift along the edges most of the time. In my family, in my group of friends. I don't think i really matter too much. And usually it's okay, not mattering. I can convince myself that it's better that way, most of the time.
But I dunno. I can't seem to do that tonight.