Just two more times, and it would all be over.
I wouldnt have to think about this play anymore.
I wouldnt have to avoid Eric anymore.
I wouldnt have to watch Eric avoid me anymore.
I wouldnt have to kiss him anymore onstage. Because i could feel the absoloute hate just pouring out of him.
But what was i supposed to do when he wouldnt even let me explain?
Just two more times.
I knew that my singing sucked. And it wasnt just the very subtle way Mr. Phillips asked me what the heck was wrong with my voice. I knew it couldnt be good because of how the entire time i was singing, i wasnt thinking about, "This is what Elphaba would do, and this is what she feels, and this is what's happening." I was thinking about Eric and Friday night and what an idiot i was.
He leaned toward me slowly, closing his eyes.
This is it.
And it was that thought that sent my entire world spinning on its axis. My entire mind completley exploded into all of these crazy thoughts. This is Eric. How could this happen? He can't like me, he doesnt like me, all those times that i said it wasn't possible..i thought it was true, didnt i? That was the single constant fact in all of this. Luke, Jess, my entire screwed up family, my entire screwed up LIFE, he was always there, he was always Eric, and if this goes away then what am i going to have? And then i could feel him less than an inch away, and who knows what would have happened if a little part of me hadnt said But what if you like him?
I pushed him away by mistake. Honestly, there was no concious decision to do it, my arms just went out all of a sudden. He was so shocked that he fell back onto the grass. I was just as shocked as he was.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He didnt say anything, just sat there with his mouth hanging open. "But...we're...friends, Eric!" I wanted to grab the words out of the air and stuff them back into my mouth. It sounded so stupid. And then i made the colossal mistake of trying to explain. "It's just that...you were there and maybe i was too, but then i couldnt be because...he...you...i...I'm sorry."
His entire face had shut down. "Yeah, somebody always is."
"What does that mean?"
He stood up. "Do you really think you deserve an explanation? Every time we fight, it's never that serious. Someone is always sorry. But this time, no one is, and that's what different."
I had no idea what he meant. "But i am...I'm-"
"Forget it." He walked off into the bus circle, which was quickly filling up with cars. And i stood there, shivering, wondering what i had just done.
I finally walked off, completley dazed, and bumped into this huge mass of a person.
A really familiar mass.
"Watch it," Luke said, and brushed by me. Then he realized who he was talking to. "You think you can get away with punching me in the face like that, well-"
"Look, can you save the manaical rant for later, please? Seriously, some other time would be great. I'll pencil you in for Tuesday."
He followed my gaze to where Eric was getting into his mom's car and smirked. "You and that kid? Finally."
"What do you mean finally?" I asked. Just talking to him was annoying me. "You know what i mean. You and the other nerd kid. It's a perfect happy ending, riding off into the sunset on a computer or something. I got it way better."
"Do NOT make me hit you again."
He smirked but backed away a step. "Everyone always knew he liked you, but i didnt know that he would ever actually go through with it. That Jeanette girl, she was hot."
I stomped on his foot with my witch boots and walked to the car.
And now i was standing here, completley dreading going onstage with a new kind of fear. I knew that i had to do something. And then i felt myself shrinking again, backing into a corner and hiding.
Then i remembered something. When i was ten years old, i went to the lake with some family friends. One girl, Isabelle, was my age. The other girl, Tracy, was five. One portion of the lake was roped off for a dock. There were tons of people diving off, and i would have basically rather chewed my own arm off than jump into that freezing cold, deep water. There was no real danger; i was just scared. Isabelle whined at me and told me it was fine, it was fine, everyone else is doing it, see, and i could swim. Tracy called me a chicken and clucked and tried to push me in (she weighed about half as much as i did). None of it worked. I was completley determined to do it when I wanted to. All of the pushing and clucking and whining did nothing. And then the two of them jumped into the water. I thought, Why shouldnt I? and forced myself to stop thinking and forced my legs to jump off the dock.
The water was cold and deep, but the looks of shock on their faces when they climbed out of the lake and i wasnt there was worth it. And then, standing there on the stage, singing, i realized that all i had to do was stop thinking.
I sang the last note, as usual.
The curtains closed then opened, as usual.
I went out for my bow alone, then held hands with Eric on my left and Ryan (the wizard) on my right, as usual.
Now was when i was supposed to let go of Eric's hand.
He was supposed to stalk away immediatley.
As of latley, that was usual, too. But i didnt let go. He tried to walk away, and i pulled him back.
I tugged him down to my leval and kissed him full on the mouth.
So not as usual.
Right after i did it, there was a huge addrenalin rush that felt somewhat like a heart attack. Then i started thinking again by accident and tried to pull away, sure that he was going to push me back. But he didnt. He didnt. He pulled me back and kissed me again. And all i thought was, Oh...this.
And somehow, that was enough.
Everything was perfect...until i heard a loud whacking noise and Eric pulled away, rubbing the back of his head. From what i could tell, Mr. Phillips had hit him with one of the ruby slippers. "No PDA!" he yelled. "Maybe next time if your performance doesnt suck too much!" He then proceeded to tell us in graphic detail how bad we were.
But i wasnt listening, because everything had gotten better all of a sudden. I stopped caring that an insane teacher was screaming his huge head off at us, i stopped caring that Jess was pissed because i forgot to email her, and i stopped caring that Luke was going to come after me. For the first time since...well, forever, my head wasnt exploding with A) What had just happened B) What it could possibly mean C) What was going to happen next, and D) When is it going to turn bad. I just sat there and smiled and loved every minute of it.